Bigger and Bigger

Well, I've finally made it...I'm now the heaviest I've been in my entire life.  Am I upset? Sad? Depressed? Anxious?  HELL NO!
It is what it is and that's all it is. <---very Buddhist and I want to believe it!
I'm going to Las Vegas next weekend for a really fun four days with great friends and my sister and I plan on eating, gambling (just a little),eating, shopping, eating and drinking without guilt and I will do just that!
The "Master Plan" when I return is that I will, for the umpteenth time, join WW, for the very first time with a buddy or two, and get back on the healthy eating and exercise wagon.
What is happening is that physically, I am a wreck.  My Achilles tendinitis is sloooowly healing, I have pain in my neck and I get fatigued so quickly. I am unable to walk very far and I'm just plain tired of hurting all the time. I believe all of this is because of  the fresh weight gain. The injury sustained from my fall and subsequent surgeries on my knee and those complications make it all that much worse and I am certain has contributed to the weight gain due to depression over the whole situation and pending law suit trial.
What have I got to lose?  I can lose the pain, I can lose diabetes, I can lose depression, I can lose low self esteem...yes, to be honest, that is always the cloud that accompanies and seditiously surrounds me. I've grown accustomed to it and can see through it or around it and I can most certainly deny its existence.  But it shows; I wear it like a cape.
Needed to write this down and get ready to go on vacation with a clear head and ready for action!

Getting Ready

I been sitting at my computer for two or three days (they all seem the same) planning out my Holiday* gifts and Thanksgiving dinner.
This process involves going over recipe after recipe to find just the perfect one for gift giving or to serve for dinner the day after Thanksgiving for John and myself.  I have to confess, I really love being so absorbed in the research and picturing and imaginary tasting of the things I choose.
The difficult part for someone like myself, who is easily distracted, is knowing when to stop; when good is good enough and when the search must end.

For the Holiday gifts for my co-workers, family and friends,  I bought some cute grocery shopping totes with a happy slice of bacon and smiling egg on the front.  I was going to get each one something different, but decided that my home made gifts will be so much more enjoyable than something that will probably be re-gifted later.  Although, if something in my bag isn't to their liking, I take no offense to having it re-gifted.
The goodies inside will be:
Gingerbread Loaves - small loaves of this quick bread
Peanut Butter Fudge
Chocolate Fudge with currants -- I'm leaving out the nuts in the fudges; many (odd) people don't like nuts in their fudge.
Chewy Chocolate-Cherry Oatmeal Cookies
Cream Cheese Lemon Cookies
Chocolate Drenched Chipotle-Roasted Pecans --this is the item I suspect won't be appreciated by all, but I think it sounds fabulous!
Roasted Rosemary Walnuts
Rum Balls --can't wait to make these!
I also plan on making Cake Balls (Red Velvet) for everyone at work and Cranberry-Walnut Ruglach for my Red Hat Society friends.
I'm making plans as to what I can make ahead of time and freeze to save my sanity.
I'm going to hit the dollar store and throw in some silly Holiday things and pick up the packaging needed for each item.
Oh, and then there's the guards at the front gate, the park maintainance guys: Rafael and Dennis...oh dear..
the list is growing along with my anxiety!
I better get busy!

*I use the word "Holiday" since I don't consider myself a Christian.

Chicken Soup from the Soul

There is a popular affirmation book: "Chicken Soup for the Soul", but my husband makes the real chicken soup for the soul. His chicken soup takes you to a place of warmth and serenity much more quickly than a mass produced, over-hyped, trite tome.
I will try to describe this remarkable bowl of happiness even though words don't come close to how it feels deep inside when you take your first, hot, aromatic spoonful.
This beloved man creates magic as he's chopping, tasting and adding herbs and spices into the bubbling soup pot.  There is no recipe, it just comes from divine culinary instinct as to what would be best for this particular batch.
Your spoon drops into the steaming bowl and comes out with pieces of grilled chicken, bok choy, carrot, maybe some tiny pasta and the golden, savory broth.  The broth is the cradle that rocks this bowl of soup.  Sometimes there's a hint of clove, sometimes a touch of parsnip but there is always satisfaction.
The biggest ingredient is John's love of creating this soup from scratch.  His face lights up when decides to go to the Chinese market to get the chicken parts and vegetables.  He comes home, puts on John Coltrane or Miles Davis and gets to work on his own piece of art, chopping and stirring, adding and tasting.
Every single bowl from beginning to end of the batch is delicious. More than that, it's a quiet place to go in your mind while it warms you through and through and all distressing thoughts vanish as you savor this soul soup.
One day, I'll write about his Caesar Salad.

P.S. As soon as I figure out how to load up pictures, you'll see a steaming bowl of soup!

I need to rant...

I have lost my cooking mojo.
I only feel like ordering in or just cooking up a frozen pizza.
I've planned on making Tyler Florence's Ultimate Spaghetti Carbonara tonight, and I don't even feel like putting it together!  Bacon and eggs pasta?  What could be easier?
I really don't get it...is it depression?  I feel tired and I was feeling poorly end of last week, my stomach was betraying me (I'll get you stomach! <--see me shaking a fist at my belly).  I don't even want to get up earlier than usual tomorrow and get those maple apple bacon donuts...:-((. sniff...
I think I'm pissed off at being obese.  There, I said it.  But really, I'm not pissed about being obese, I'm more pissed at the way other people think that I shouldn't be as heavy as I am.  I'm not too sad about being a full-full-figured woman.  I like keeping my weight up with good food and good wine.
I'm pissed about Weight Watchers.  I know that I if I do the program (oops, slipped into a 12-step mantra) I will lose weight, but I refuse, refuse to put anything in my mouth with the words non-fat on the label.  I think they fail to realize that anything that is labeled "non-fat" has a higher sugar content and what diabetic needs that?  I know I can keep the full fat cheese and just figure it into my points for the day.  Right now, it sounds like much too much work to count points and plan meals in advance.  I used to do it, but was I really happy doing it?  NO!  I do like losing weight, but lets face it, I'm lazy and want to wake up 20lbs lighter tomorrow just because that is my intention and it's a good one! Shit!  I'm okay with who I am right now and the way I look...is that so wrong?
It has been suggested by those closest to me (and you know who you are) that I should get a gastric bypass procedure.  Really?  and then what?  I'd have to stop going out to wonderful dinners with you and stop experiencing incredible foods you cook because I can only eat a 1/4 cup of food!
You know what that will lead to other than smaller jean sizes?  Severe depression and probably suicide.
But I would be thinner....

Phishing for Phood

This is what I did this morning:
Read "Tyler's Ultimate" cookbook; some good stuff in there. I was a little disappointed in the recipes inside the book because I can find more and better recipes from the Food Network website by typing in "Tyler's Ultimate".  I'm glad I got the book from the library and controlled myself and didn't buy it first.  I am growing up so fast!
Got on my web surf board when Facebook no longer held my attention and I went back to my emails and started going through the food newsletters I receive, which are quite a few.  I re-signed up for the Culinate newsletter and I can't remember why I unsubscribed.  That will remain to be seen.
I floundered to BakeSpace, one of my favorite sites for sweet things and I discovered that there's more there than sugar.  Maybe one day I'll do the right thing and share a recipe.  I decided I'm going to make an artichoke dip I found on the site for Sunday since it's Super Bowl since I have to work and I don't actually follow football, but it's a good reason to make dips, right?
Maybe I should do something with the 2 bottles of Franks Hot Sauce I have in my pantry for some reason.. I've already checked out their website and I think something could be fixed up.
Then, I bottomed at the Food Network and looked up the bacon episode from "The Best Thing I ever Ate", a program I've set to tape all episodes, to find out just exactly where those maple apple bacon donuts are in San Francisco. Easy to get to by car and I plan to pick up some this coming weekend. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!
I also looked up Animal restaurant from the same episode to see if there was a recipe for the bacon chocolate crunch bar but there isn't, so I've ordered the cookbook from my library.
Time to get back...I think my phishing pole is tugging.

A Lotta Chunka-Chunka Spicy Pasta dinner

Today was a day filled with reconnecting with "lost" family members; at least for my husband.  I never lost any family members, they just decided to pass on.
Anyway, I looked at my fruit stand on the dining room table and saw apples and pears looking poorly.  I could: a) throw them out (the usual remedy),
b) hope someone (John) would eat them,
or c) make a thing out of them.
The Thing was the winner.  It was supposed to be an apple crisp, but I don't have the patience to use 2 knives to make the topping into a "crumb", and I don't have a pastry blender (soon to be remedied) so I tried to mash the butter, sugar and flour between my fingers.  It came out of the oven looking anything like a crumb.  I'm sure it will be good warmed with a little half and half poured over. Sadly, I have no ice cream.
The Chunka-Chunka Pasta (my own title) was a recipe I took off of BakeSpace and adapted it a little to become my own.  You may wonder why I called it: Chunka-Chunka.  It has lots of chunky deliciousness packed into a pasta sauce like chunks of eggplant, chunks of mushrooms, whole canned tomatoes all chunked up; you get the idea. It consists of everything you could want in a quick pasta dish.  It starts out with Italian sausage.  I decided to go healthier and use chicken Italian sausage.  Next is eggplant, black olives, mushrooms, fresh basil, canned Italian tomatoes, onions and of course, garlic.  It was made spicy by the addition of crushed red pepper.  The recipe called for 2 Tablespoons of the dried fire, but I only added one.  It was plenty spicy, and I love spicy food!
It was all combined with ziti without the ridges and grated Romano was sprinkled on top.
There is a ton of sauce, too, so we have plenty of leftovers for our work dinners ready for the week.  I don't usually like leftovers, but I'll make an exception with this meal.  I'll add a nice salad and there you go.

Chunka-Chunka Spicy Pasta Sauce
serves: 4 big eaters; 6-8 those who eat like they're "supposed" to.

1 lb. Italian sausage.  Whatever kind you like; it's all good.
2 Tbls olive oil
1 eggplant-cut in 1/4's
8oz. sliced mushrooms (I prefer crimini)
1 can black olives-cut each in half or leave whole A mix of green and black would be good or Kalamatas
1 onion-chopped
4 (or more) cloves of garlic chopped with the onions
Fresh basil
2 roasted red peppers-chopped (I used roasted peppers from a jar; feel free to roast your own)
1 large can whole tomatoes (Italian, of course, but fire-roasted could add a nice touch)
1 Tbls or less of crushed red pepper flakes...oooofdah
salt and pepper
1 package pasta-something tubular like ziti, penne, mostaciollo, elbows (if you must)

Brown the sausages in a pot-remove.  Add olive oil and over med-high heat, saute onions and garlic with salt and pepper to taste.  Add eggplant and cook until eggplant is soft and smaller.  Add olives, mushrooms and red peppers; cook down for a couple of minutes. Then put sliced  sausages back into the pan with the can of  tomatoes which you've cut with scissors or mashed with your hands.  Sliver 5-6 leaves of basil and add to pot; stir gently.  Heat it all up and throw in the crushed red pepper. Stir and let heat through.
Meanwhile, at some point, cook up the macaroni.  Save a cup or two of pasta water to loosen up the sauce if needed.
Add it all together in one big pot and serve with Romano or Parmesan grated cheese to top off the bowl.
Buono Mangia!

Florence Remembered

Bistecca ala Fiorentina
When we traveled in Italy, one of our stops was Florence.  They are known in that region for cooking meats and the Florentine steak.  You buy the meat by weight, not by cut, and they cook it in a large brick oven, all fired up with wood from the surrounding hills.  It was good, but nothing compared to the steak recipe we found from  Lydia Bastianich (which I won't tell you).
We were greatly anticipating this meal yesterday.  It is without a doubt one of the best meals we ever make and love to make it for our meat-loving guests. John prepared the grill early and I went to work on finding a suitable recipe for the accompanying kabocha squash.
We decided to pair this meal with the superb pinot noir from the Sonoma Valley vineyard of the August Briggs winery that we picked up Thursday in Calistoga.  I mention the location of the vineyards because, while we were visiting the tasting room, we sampled three different pinots, all grown in different areas and you could actually taste the difference in the wines.  This was a new experience for me, as I usually buy my wines from Trader Joe's and look at the price, not the region.
Our dinner consisted of our fabulous Florentine-style porterhouse steak,  a salad I made of greens, pistachios, Kalamata black olives and a dressing I created from the tangerines we had laying around, olive oil, salt and fresh ground pepper and a pinch of white balsamic vinegar.  It was tasty, but the star is the grilled steak!  One secret I will spill: fresh rosemary plays a big part.
Kabocha squash, we discovered is a very meaty squash.  I think it would be best served alone or with something lighter than a steak. I just had a thought: if we have a guest who is vegetarian or not into slices of rare, delcicious steak, we could fix up this squash.
You cook, you learn.